So, while I have a wonderful circle of friends already, many of them are far too far away to drop by for the occasional video game and who knows what else. Therefore, I'm wondering, what does a 20-something, currently unemployed, queer hippie freak of a girl do to meet people? Where should I be hanging out? I doubt bars are for me since I'm not really into alcohol all *that* much. Interest groups would tend to get me into a sausage-fest (tech, unfortunately, is a sausage-fest, as are many geeky pursuits). I'm fine with meeting guys but this girl likes girls, so..yeah. Any suggestions?

Well, early this morning, as I was thinking about going to bed and starting to feel the sweet caress of the brownies I'd eaten, snuggled up to people I love, something came to me.

I don't really know how to describe it without either sounding like a pompous ass, or like my wonderful realization is just too easy to be true, but I just sorta...'got it'...no, I don't get everything, but I feel like..for the past 13-14 years, I've been unable to breathe, and I finally can again. I feel like something that's been broken for ages is...right again. What I 'got' can be described something like this:

Life is simply a series of experiences, much like a movie.

I have a certain amount of direction over these experiences.

In the end, the best I can do is apply it in a direction roughly in line with my goals and hope for the best.

All movies have some sucky parts as part of the story really, otherwise where's the interest?

All scenes in any decent movie have something interesting about them, all lives are the same if you know where to look.

I recently got to the point where I considered ending my own life to the point where I planned it out.

Therefore, anything I do from this point on is just gravy. Yeah it might hurt, but how could it be worse than death, especially considering I always do have it as an absolute last resort?

Therefore, I can find a sort of peace in...anything that happens, its a...beginning to conquering the effect feelings like shame and terror and such have on me.

I don't really know how to describe it better than that, or how else to say it other than "It just doesn't fucking matter, so why the hell not be happy?"

And I know I sound like I've got the biggest ego in the world, or at least like I'm the biggest fool ever, but I think I'm really onto something with this one.

I'll keep you posted with more transmissions from the edge.

I've just had some of the most absolutely vivid dream experiences I've ever had, and I feel the need to write something down of them, talk to people about them. The following is very poor unpolished writing, just me trying to get the stream of consciousness down somehow.

( Click here for more... )

Have a happy zombie space jew hippie day!

Salia and I will be in the bay tomorrow (thursday) sometime, staying the night in a Motel 6 in Fremont, then also looking for stuff to do between then and when the rave is on friday. Hopefully we'll get to see some people and have some fun! If you want to catch up with either of us, leave a comment or get in touch with us some other way. We will be driving, so can do things requiring such.

I recently (a little over a month ago now) had my hair professionally dyed purple, and I just wanted to leave a quick testimonial for the dye, it's incredible, I dunno about this source, its just the first I googled up, but the dye is Urban Shock by Scruples, here's a link to a site selling it - http://www.flexhair.com/Products/Item_4519.html?ItemNumberDetail=4519&

It's like not faded in the slightest, and imho is one of the best purples I've seen, it took very well over my lightly bleached red hair (and the rest of my hair too, which has survived far too many bleachings at this point), and is incredibly vibrant. X-Posted maybe eventually when I get pics, heh

Hope is such a strange thing, when we don't have it, nothing in the world seems possible, no matter what our rational self thinks. When we do have it, anything in the world seems possible. Nothing is beyond our grasp.

For me, hope has been a precious commodity as of late. That tide has turned though, and I have love to thank for it. There is nothing in this world of more value than love. Those people I've recently become family with have given me the hope I need, the strength I need to go on, and to find that there is so very much joy in the smallest of things in this life.

I'm far from recovered from all of my problems, but I feel I am finally on a path out of the shadows. It really has come from a sort of moment of personal epiphany, when I came to understand that a healthy life can only be a life lived with joy and love. I realized that I set the value on each of my accomplishments, the world be damned. If what matters to me is living in some simple comfort in the company of those I love, then that is what I should work for, no matter what "potential" I may be "squandering". Life is too short to live for anything other than joy.

I finally have found hope for myself in this idea of living for joy and love, and more importantly, living to *share* love, to share joy, with anyone and everyone that I care about. The world needs to dream again, and I can help that along by doing my part, by dreaming myself, and by giving all the love I have to those wonderful dreamers I've met in my life. In them I see the most radiant souls, shining with possibility for everyone's future.

After staring at the rename token I bought a year ago for a very long time, I finally decided to rename this journal. Due to the direction my life's taking and what's become important to me, I think Aylira Tesayon is an appropriate name. It will still forward from lilyth_lindorie of course. (the new name is aylira_tesayon).

Also, I'm likely headed up to Sacramento tomorrow for about a month, trying to figure out exactly what all I'm going to do, but this is at least something. I need to figure out how to make sure my UI gets sent up there

Anyhow, still alive and still moving forward, albiet slowly.

I have a laptop I want to sell (so I can move into a new place), its an upgraded Everex StepNote SA2052T, a few cosmetic blemishes (missing hinge covers, but it works just fine), intel integrated graphics (945), 1GB DDR2 (PC2-8500), Core 2 Duo (this is a major upgrade) @ 1.66GHz. Its in complete working order, has wifi, etc., and can be imaged with either XP or Vista. If anyone's interested, I want $450 for it, here's the craigslist link too - http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/sys/1425199812.html

Here's hoping!

If I manage to find a place (which is looking more likely now, yay), I'll still need to get some stuff to make it livable (splitting up a household is a problem, heh), and I'll need to figure out how to raise the deposit. Consider this an e-begging (e-spanging?) post. If you can & want to help I'll greatly appreciate it, and try to get you back once I get settled in and such. I should have a job in the nearish future, I hope, I'm pursuing everything I can and have had some leads get somewhere. Anyway, paypal me @ livinglatexkali at gmail.com if you like. I hate to be doing this, but I have to, sorry if it comes off a bit too direct. Thanks everyone!

( ) Gone on a blind date
( ) Gave blood
(X) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
( More under here )

Still no luck finding a job or a place to live. It seems likely things will continue spiraling down. In case I end up dropping off the net for whatever reason (not likely to happen yet but in a week all bets are off), I just want everyone to know I love you guys, I've had a nice time having a life for a bit here in the bay. I don't know where things will go after this, we'll see, but the void looms before me.

So, I'm not out of Castlefur just yet, but it seems prudent to actually start looking now.

I'm basically looking for a room in the city, I can afford a reasonable rent/utilities split type bill, probably in the 3-400/mo range, though I'm hesitant to mention numbers. I imagine since I'm looking for just a room there's a chance of this.

The catch though is I'm looking for both trans-friendly and 420-ok, but I think in San Francisco that's actually possible. I certainly hope so.

I don't figure any of my readers can directly help, but if there's any advice or whatever, I'd appreciate it. I figure I'll search through craigslist/post if possible. I've never searched for a room like this before, so I'm not really sure what I'm doing, and I really don't want to walk into this blind and get scammed/otherwise fucked with. Anyhow, at least I've got a plan and I'm getting active.

This should work for a good while if I do get it, my unemployment has another month or two on it, and I should qualify for extensions, and I also am actively job searching, and if I get such a room I can consider picking up other work too.

Anyway, hopefully things are picking up.

--Rainbow

EDIT - it would be rather required that this room is somewhere near decent transit, but in SF, almost any home is within walking distance of a muni route, its just a question of if its a good route.

Was reading a friend's journal archives, figured I'd take this one and post the results:

Your results:
You are Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)

Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic) 95% Inara Serra (Companion) 70% River (Stowaway) 70% Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command) 65% Malcolm Reynolds (Captain) 60% Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic) 55% Wash (Ship Pilot) 50% Derrial Book (Shepherd) 45% A Reaver (Cannibal) 45% Jayne Cobb (Mercenary) 40% Alliance 15%

You are good at fixing things. You are usually cheerful. You appreciate being treated with delicacy and specialness.

Click here to take the Serenity Firefly Personality Test

I've recently been listening to a wonderful story recommended to me by a friend of mine due to my obsession with all things fae, and I figured I should share this with everyone else I know. Its actually my first time listening to an audiobook but its going quite nicely, the podcast setup on the iPhone is pretty nice (my first time trying it too). My only complaint there is I'd want finer grained controls (e.g. sync only unplayed of podcast X but all of podcast Y).

( More review and potential spoilers underneath )

Needless to say to most of you, this all resonates very deeply with me. For those who are new, I am otherkin, a faerie myself, trapped here for a time in a human body in the mortal realm. I suspect this will strike many as insane or arrogant, but it is as far as I can tell the truth of my life. Things like this story are great, they give me a little taste of what I feel is missing from my life, yet leave me longing greater than ever for home.

Anyway, my suggestion to everyone I know -- read this book, its good! (There's a sequel too I'm quite interested in) -- http://chasingthebard.com -- you can find more information there, or just look for the print copy on Amazon.

So, I've been struggling with some things over the past year, and one of them is the realization that I'm sensitive to the casein protein found in cow's milk (and thus any cheese, yogurt, etc. made from it). This sensitivity leads to a near-constant "hay fever" type symptom set and the constant use of antihistamines (specifically cetirizine(zyrtec) in my case), which is no way to live.

I've tried not eating the stuff before, but its very hard for a number of reasons. First off, my favorite kind of food is "american" food, the sort of stuff you find at every diner anywhere in the USA. Secondly, the actual mechanism by which it works leads me to essentially be addicted to it. I have cravings for it fairly often. Thirdly, I'm not sure what kind of quick foods I can have at home that I even like that don't contain these things. I'm used to eating pizza, mac&cheese, stuff like that. Oh, and of course casein is used in foods as a texturing agent too for some reason. I can't even eat most fake cheeses because of this. (Though luckily I *can* eat non-cow cheeses, and have found that a number of them taste good, though of course since they don't trigger this reaction they don't quite satisfy the craving).

I've decided I really need to try cutting cheese/milk out of my diet again, and I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas? Its not like I can just go veggie or anything either though because, to be honest, I'm not a big fan of vegetables. There are some I like now and then, but I'm more on the carnivore side of things. I'm really not quite sure what to do. So...suggestions?

To everyone who replied to us lastnight, both here and on IRC and anywhere else, and all those who might have if they were around, to all our friends and family, we love you all. We love you so very much. You give us hope, you give us help, you give us life. We grew up not knowing this, we grew up with a family that did not help us (they couldn't see there was anything other than letting us do something or doing it for us), we grew up with almost no friends (one or two good friends but they still weren't the kind you'd turn to when your life fell apart, and aside from that just people who pretended to be our friend to hurt us more). Our life has changed so much since moving to california and starting to really meet all you wonderful people. We have a long hard road ahead of us, that is very clear to us now, but with all of you, we are pretty sure we can make it through. Thank you. Thank you so much.